The Magnificent Mario Kart Experience
by TheSoulGiver
Summary: Clint has yet to completely recover from the events of their kayaking trip, and Natasha resorts to desperate measures to try to help him recover - which, of course, calls for a Mario Kart tournament. The intensity rises as the Avengers battle for first place and Steve struggles with the ways of twenty-first century entertainment. Sequel to The Incredible Kayaking Expedition.
1. Chapter 1

Natasha crept hesitantly into the darkened kitchen. Tablecloths hung over the large windows, blocking the sunlight and rendering the room was almost entirely pitch black. It took her eyes several moments to adjust to the intense darkness before she saw what she was looking for. Maybe if she was really, _really_, quiet, it would work this time...

Natasha tiptoed over to the corner, careful not to let her feet so much as squeak on the shiny linoleum. She was only steps away from making her move. She paused several feet before the counter in the corner of the room, which held a microwave, some hi-tech coffee machine, and a huddled figure wrapped in tattered fabric, its face buried in shadows.

Tasha paused, taking a silent, deep breath before calling out as softly as she could.

"Hey, Clint."

The figure did not stir. It was sitting in what looked like a nest of threadbare tablecloths and dish towels, wedged between the wall and the microwave and hunched under the cabinets.

"It's me, Tasha," she said, a little louder this time. The figure's head lifted infinitesimally before dropping back down to rest its chin on its chest. He still didn't reply.

"Just thought I should check up on you," Natasha said, moving closer to peer tentatively at Clint's immobile figure. There were several long moments before Clint finally spoke in a low voice, devoid of all emotion.

"I am a broken man, Natasha."

Natasha sighed softly, stepping forward until she was standing at the edge of the counter, resting one hand a few inches away from Clint's foot.

"You're not _broken._ You just need to get back out there and try to move on from this."

Clint raised his head just enough so he could look at her with wide, expressionless eyes.

"I cannot move on from this. How can I pretend that this never happened? I let my guard down for just a moment, and they got through, they _changed_ me..."

"Clint, you do realize that this 'they' we are talking about is a flock of mallards, don't you?" Tasha interrupted.

"_They know my weaknesses_," he whispered furtively, eyes wide.

Natasha finally had it.

"Okay, that is _it_," she said sharply, reaching forward and grabbing Clint's arm, pulling him roughly off of the counter, which sent him nearly tumbling to the floor if it hadn't been for her vice-like grip on his bicep.

"Hey!" he protested as he stumbled, his numb legs struggling to keep him upright, the blood just beginning to flow back into them after several days curled up in a nook on a kitchen counter.

Natasha spun on her heel, backing Clint up against the island counter in the center of the kitchen and scowling fiercely.

"I have been worrying my ass off about you for _days_, while you just _sat _there and sulked in your _nest_ - I bet you didn't even _think_ of me - "

Natasha backed off, fuming, but Clint stood frozen to the spot in alarm. Tasha looked back up at him, eyes still blazing.

"_You_ are going to go take a shower, and change out of those," she said firmly, but with far less terror in her voice, wrinkling her nose at the t shirt and sweatpants that Clint had probably been wearing for the past several days. "_I_ am going to go talk to Tony about a cure, for...for whatever _this_ is."

"A _cure_?" Clint squeaked, and Natasha paused on her way out of the kitchen. She turned in the doorway to glance back at him and smirked.

"I think a little Mario Kart should do it, don't you?"


	2. Round One

I just wanted to thank you all for your support, and especially my beta, who made this story less (more?) lame and overall funnier. And if anyone has an idea of what activity they'd like the Avengers to do in the next sequel, please leave a review and let me know!

* * *

Natasha had JARVIS summon the whole group from whichever corners of the mansion they were in, as opposed to spending all day trying to locate them and then losing the rest of them along the way. She had learned her lesson the first time.

Having done this, she walked into one of Tony's game rooms, the chosen area of their meeting, ten minutes later. It was a high-ceilinged room with the shiny wood floors covered in plush carpets, squashy couches, and nearly a whole wall taken up by a huge television screen that stretched from ceiling to floor. Shelves on the opposite wall held what seemed to be every gaming system ever created, with special drawers to hold all of the games.

All of the Avengers were there (except Tony, but Natasha couldn't remember the last time he hadn't made an intentionally fabulous entrance), reclining on the furniture with their feet up on coffee tables and chatting. There was, however, an unexpected guest, who was sitting in one of the armchairs as if it were a throne, even though he was being ignored by everyone.

"Why is _he_ here?" Natasha grumbled, walking over and collapsing onto the couch next to Clint.

"Thor couldn't find a babysitter," Tony said in a bored voice as he flounced into the room, pressing a couple of buttons on the wall before sinking royally onto the sofa.

"It's wonderful to see you, too," said Loki from his armchair-throne.

"What made _him_ king of the world?" grumbled Natasha, and Steve glanced at Loki out of the corner of his eye.

"For one, he was literally a prince. On the other hand, Loki has Anti-Social Personality Disorder, which is marked by his complete lack of sympathy for other human beings, and his belief that he is the most important person in the world. Well, worlds," Steve explained. "Luckily, it's a mild case, and it manifests itself largely as him pretending he's king of both Earth and Asgard."

"Enough with the psychology, Rogers! We're here to engage in a gruesome battle for honor, not impress our colleagues with the Community College classes we've been taking on the weekends," interrupted Tony, walking back to the couch and throwing himself on the middle of it, landing partially on top of both Bruce and Peter, who grudgingly squirmed aside to make room for him. "JARVIS, turn on the N64."

"I am sorry sir, but your modifications will take another six hours to complete," came JARVIS's level reply from invisible speakers. "However, the Wii version is completely modified and can be available in 4.2 seconds."

"Yeah, okay, fine. I guess we can do the Wii version," said Tony, somewhat reluctantly. He began pulling white Wii remotes out of the bottom drawer of the coffee table and tossing them to various people. "First round will be me, Steve, Tasha, and Peter. Any objections can be directed to our complaints department, which is just out the front door."

The game loaded quickly, and Tony scrolled through the menu and selected 4-person multiplayer.

"What button do I push?" Steve asked, examining his Wii remote closely. Experimentally, he prodded the round one on the front. "Something happened! What just happened? What did I do? Did I break it? Is it supposed to make that sound?"

"Just pick a character, Steve," said Natasha, rolling her eyes as she lazily scrolled her cursor over to Toad.

"It's telling me to pick a vehicle! There's a girl in a pink dress in my corner of the screen...

"You've got to go back if you want to change your character," said Natasha slowly and calmly.

Steve pressed a button on the remote.

"I don't think it worked!" said Steve, beginning to panic as he clicked more buttons. "It says 'OK'! It is not 'OK'; I am not prepared for this race! I don't think I can do this! Bruce can take my place, Bruce - "

"Too late!" said Tony, who was staring intently at the screen. The race was starting. In all of his frenzied button clicking, Steve had chosen his kart and gear setting along with the others without even realizing it. He was sporting Princess Peach on a fancy pink motorcycle.

"Oh no," Steve groaned, leaning back and resigning himself to his inevitable humiliation. He wasn't going down without a fight, however.

"Really, Tony? Bowser's Castle, on Steve's first try?" said Natasha, raising an eyebrow.

"What?" Steve cried. "Why? Is this bad? Why wouldn't this be a good race? Nat?"

"He'll be fine," dismissed Tony with a wave of his hand, turning back to the screen as it began to count down to their start. At the buzzer, Tony, Peter, and Natasha were off with a bang, while Steve was left behind to grapple with his controller. Bruce leaned over and helped him figure out which buttons would make the engine start.

They were barely halfway through their first lap when Steve jumped about a foot in the air, throwing his controller in shock, which ended up hitting Loki in the forehead.

"What just happened? The controller started shaking!"

"It's supposed to do that, Cap," said Bruce gently, grimacing apologetically at Loki when he picked the controller off of the god's lap and handed it back to Steve, who was regarding it warily. "It vibrates when you get hit by a shell or use a certain power, or something."

"Oh." Steve accepted the controller, turning it over in his hands as he tried to figure out which way was right side up. He glanced up at Loki who was pointedly ignoring them all. "Sorry about that, by the way. It was about 90% involuntary - "

"Heads up!" Peter yelled as his motorcycle smashed into the back of Steve's Princess Peach bike from behind as he lapped him, sending Steve's kart tumbling to the side of the track and careening off into the lava. Tony was right on Peter's tail, Natasha having passed more stealthily several moments before.

Natasha managed to claim the first place spot in the first race by carefully throwing a banana peel in front of Tony's kart just feet from the finish line. Peter flew in next at second, and Tony managed a respectable fourth place. Steve was in the expected twelfth.

Peter was allowed the honor of picking the next race, and he scrolled through the possible choices with his tongue between his teeth before finally deciding on "the one where you jump from mushroom to mushroom."

"What?" said Tasha, at the same time Tony asked, "You mean Mushroom Gorge?"

"Yeah, that's what I said," replied Peter, selecting the race on the screen. "The one where you jump from mushroom to mushroom."

Peter won that one, his Yoshi celebrating enthusiastically on the screen, and Natasha chose Toad's Factory as the next race.

This race was relatively uneventful, and Tony shot past the finish line into first place. Steve surprised everyone, especially himself, by finishing in ninth. He was rewarded with cheers and high fives from everyone, excluding Loki, and stared at the screen with an awed smile on his face.

Steve didn't do so well in the next race, however, as Tony picked Wario's Gold Mine. When they entered the mine and the bats few out and hit their carts, Steve screamed and dropped his controller, covering his face with his hands. Bruce soothed him with a hand on his shoulder, silently handing the controller back.

Tony won this race, winning him first place overall in the round. It took several well-aimed whacks with throw pillows, but they did eventually manage to get him to stop gloating. Mostly.


	3. Round Two

"I have chosen the warrior named "Mario" for this journey," Thor declared as they set up for the next round. Since Tony won the first round, he insisted on going again, along with Clint, Bruce, and Thor.

"You know, Thor, I think you're the only person I know who's ever actually had Mario as their first choice," said Tony, amused. Thor seemed quite puzzled by this.

"But that seems quite illogical! Does thee jest me, Tony Stark? For the title of this game is "Mario Kart," is it not? It seems to me that this "Mario" would be the one best suited for this journey!"

"You know, he does have a point," said Bruce, looking vaguely impressed by Thor's reasoning.

Tony chose King Boo again, and Clint selected Dry Bones, muttering "I've always wondered what actually makes Dry Bones' bones so dry."

Everyone was a bit confused by Bruce's choice of driver.

"Really, Bruce?" said Natasha, trying not to laugh. "Toadette?"

Bruce shrugged, slightly indignantly.

"It's a perfectly reasonable choice," he began to explain. "Toadette is classified as a small driver, which means that her karts will be much more agile - "

"Are we just ignoring the fact that you turn into a giant green rage monster when you get angry?" Tony interrupted. "I mean, come on. You should have picked Bowser. Or I would have even been okay with Luigi, because he's green, at least."

"Toadette's vehicles have high acceleration and good off-road stat!" Bruce protested, stubbornly crossing his arms and refusing to change his character. Tony sighed as he began the race, glancing over at Bruce every so often and shaking his head in silent disappointment.

Bruce got the honor of choosing the first race. He selected Moo Moo Meadows, which went surprisingly well - excluding Thor's detours to puzzle over "the strange Midgardian milk-producing creatures."

Tony chose Coconut Mall, where again Thor was the main source of entertainment for the others. Thor ended up driving in frantic circles around the fountain, water shooting up from the top.

"If this fountain so closely resembles the end of the Bifrost, then why am I not being transported? Ay, I should be given a faster path, because of my innovation!" Thor exclaimed.

"Is anyone else getting déjà vu from that time we took Thor shopping?" Peter muttered under his breath.

Clint's track of choice was Maple Treeway, a common favorite.

Steve raised an eyebrow at the screen.

"This is the biggest damn tree I've ever seen in my life."

"This is what it's like in Canada," said Tony as he drove through a pile of maple leaves and they exploded around his car like confetti with a little _poof. _"Except instead of caterpillars walking around, there are moose."

"There are not even trees this large in Asgard," Thor agreed, frowning as he saw the giant caterpillars. "Nor are there insects so grand."

By the time those three rounds were over, Clint was beating Tony two to one, with Bruce getting generally decent scores. Thor probably would have done quite well if he hadn't kept getting distracted.

Thor chose Mario Circuit for the final round, to no one's surprise. Nobody had the heart to tell him that he probably didn't have a better chance of winning just because he was playing as Mario.

They all took off at the sound of the starting buzzer, the main competition to watch in this round pretty clearly being Tony and Clint.

"This palace reminds me fondly of Asgard," declared Thor, pausing at the side of the track to admire the stone castle which was part of the scenery. "Though far smaller, and not nearly as grand." Thor tried to drive his kart forward, but couldn't advance any further past the fence at the edge of the track. "Why may I not enter the palace?" he demanded, voice rising. "I am a king; I should be graciously welcomed!"

"It's not real, Thor, oh my god..." muttered Natasha, rolling her eyes.

"I am aware that I am a god!" Thor retorted, lowering his controller to his lap to glare at Natasha.

"Shut up, both of you," Tony growled, swerving to avoid a strategically placed banana peel, his concentration focused on the screen.

Bruce was feeling much less competitive than Tony or Clint, and he pulled over to the side of the track by the stretch of grass that preceded the tunnel where the Chain Chomp was tethered.

"You know, I feel kind of bad for this guy," he said thoughtfully, which earned him a couple of eye-rolls. He ignored them.

At that moment, Clint hit the back of Bruce's kart with a red shell, laughing loudly as he passed the scientist.

"HOLLA, sucks for you, my brotha!" he yelled.

Bruce glanced at Clint in irritation as he started his engine again, refusing to reply. However, the attack had pushed Bruce's kart into the reach of the Chain and he was promptly attacked by it.

"He ain't no holla back girl, Clint," Peter quipped, while shaking with laughter to himself. All of the Avengers stared confusedly at him, apart from Tony and Clint, who were completely engrossed in the race.

"Sorry, pop culture reference. I forgot all of you were old."

"I'm not old! I've been taking college classes, and I fit right in!" Steve defended himself. The group groaned in unison at Steve's second mention of his community college classes.

"Getting back to the point, you really don't need to gloat, you know," Bruce grumbled to Clint, as Tony kicked Clint hard in the leg to try to make him swerve onscreen. Clint kicked out his leg to get Tony back, eyes still trained on the screen, and ended up kicking Loki instead.

"You fool!" Loki shouted, standing up and towering over Clint.

"Dude! Move!" Tony yelled, as he was unable to see the screen around Loki's cape.

Peter got up and dragged Loki back to his armchair, and Steve grabbed Peter's arm and frantically tugged him back.

"Hey, what are you doing?!" cried Peter as he fell sideways over everybody's lap.

"He's dangerous!" said Steve, glaring at Loki as everybody else grumbled at the sudden intrusion of a teenager on their laps.

"You're dangerous," Tony shot back at Steve, irritated by interruption of his concentration.

"Leave him alone..." Natasha muttered, rolling her eyes again. "You're all idiots."

"Excuse me?" retorted Tony.

"You heard me."

"I AM STILL NOT GRANTED ENTRANCE INTO THE GRAND PALACE OF MARIO."

"Nobody cares!"

"NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR PUNY BRAIN, MORTAL."

"Okay, that's it..."

"God, you're all insufferable..."

"Say that to my face."

"You're insufferable!"

"You're going to die!"

"Clint, put those knives away!"

"Stop being such a little bitch."

"You're the little bitch."

"Yeah, shut up, Salt-tasha!"

Everybody stopped bickering and turned to stare at Bruce.

"What?" Peter finally said into the silence.

Tony suddenly laughed, and Bruce turned to him in relief.

"See? Tony gets it!" said Bruce, gesturing at his friend.

"Just tell us what it meant already," said Natasha, crossing her arms.

"_Na-_tasha..._Na_ is the periodic symbol for sodium...sodium is in salt..._Salt_-tasha..."

Tony high-fived Bruce, but everybody else just stared at Bruce for a moment longer before shaking their heads and turning back to the game. They had all finished their final lap (Clint edging in just ahead of Tony to steal the win), except for Thor, who was still sitting by the entrance to the castle in defeat.


End file.
